my being single is dangerous.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
