Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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