It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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