my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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