She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
