If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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