so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
