I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize