I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
