Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize