One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
