Someone shit on the floor
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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