She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it's not cheating when I paid for it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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