don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
