So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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