I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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