I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I could make wine with my vomit
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
