just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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