Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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