She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
