Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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