I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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