i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
