Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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