so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
