Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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