You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
