So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
