Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
