4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
