I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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