Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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