I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
