I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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