at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
