I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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