How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
