I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
