Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
