I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
