Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
