My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
