my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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