Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
