Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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