Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
