I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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