I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
