Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
