I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
