I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
