The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
