he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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