You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You had me at "let me see your balls"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
