I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
