i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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