in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
