Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
