I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
