Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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