Only a mothe r could love this liver
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
