i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
