ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
