I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
