Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Every concussion has its silver lining
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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