bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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