I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
