he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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