ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
