when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
