kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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