Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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