Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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